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From the moment you first ghosted into my life, I had a feeling this day would inevitably come. I knew you would ask me questions like these, and I wanted to be prepared with answers that hopefully would satisfy you. Just as the words that trace your every step and flicker uncertainly toward your future, I hope that my power as it is right now will be enough to support you as you press ahead... I hope to reinforce your idea of who you are by reminding you of how you came to be, how we both have grown, and how our unbreakable connection was forged.

First and foremost I feel the need to tell you, for some strange reason, that it took me forever to decide on your name. But you knew that already; I mean, you had just as much a hand in choosing your name as I did! We were just sitting and chatting one sunny spring-melt day, and there it was… you just laughed, didn't you? Don't even try to deny it - I know that's what you did. But that's fine - sharing our experiences and feelings is part of what I love about being with you; you don't need to hide, and neither do I. It's so easy being that way with you. When we first started out though, it was difficult bringing you to life… it was, after all, my first time giving birth to a fully new being. It felt like splitting off the most precious shard of my body; it felt like losing something I wanted nothing more than to keep. However… letting that tiny spark go produced a mind both part of and separate from myself. Even though we were apart, I still knew you were mine; I didn't feel anything less than joy. I was so young then… not even a teenager yet.

Do you remember how I used to describe you? I still have them tucked away - your first words, steps, and motions recorded, on a yellowed, ancient scrap barely holding in its binding. I can show them to you someday if you want… at that time, I could rightly say I barely knew you. Your appearance was so utterly foreign, yet somehow you managed feeling comfortably familiar to me. I didn't understand - I didn't know how to understand - until I realized that, throughout my childhood, I had literally been trained to see myself costumed in the guise of someone else entirely. Through that hazy despite malaise, I couldn't see or touch the real you either. Still, I did my best while stumbling along to raise you on my own, and learned with each new friend who joined us in that lonely, uncertain period. Thinking back on it now, it took a long time for the two of us to settle into our new skins, didn't it? Anyway… while we pushed forward, I realized you are just as unique, alive, vibrant and subject to change as I am, not just some phantom of my mind persistently following me out of the distant past.

With my self-realization, the moonlight which so often guided my pen became a palpable wave of energy. That new substance lent temporal robustness and bulk to your ethereal form, and permanently bestowed upon you the gift of your own flesh. Your father couldn't have given you more - a body to house the part of you that once clung in desperation to the fringe of my mind like a child too afraid to even attempt swimming. Since that night… after both you and I broke free of the chains that strapped us together and weighted us down… we haven't needed the moonlight's misty presence to see each other. That special substance did more than give you a physical form I could touch - it infused you with its purified aroma of ochre and snow, and gifted you with its once lonesomely disembodied voice. With an all-new sound you could claim as your own, never since that day have you needed my permission to speak your own mind; be your words a comfort or reprimand, I have only grown to love them more.

As I watched you grow I decided to dedicate myself fully to raising you, your brothers, and your sisters who have since come. My goal has been to nurture you in a way that would allow you to flaunt your very best. The joy and release of creating each new shard of life - though never as strong or frightening as on that first day with you - is still with me now and is a feeling I grow fonder of each day.

It wasn't long before I realized that even with your new body and an ever-extending cacophony of family and friends, our minds and experiences would always be connected. It was for your sake that I strove to do and see more in my world. I broke through that daunting barrier called immaturity - a imposing blockade that, as its builder, it was my duty to tear down - so that I might better release you into a world of your own: a land still locked within my unknown memory. To understand and shape the world still forming from the disembodied mist around you, I explored my own. I traversed the largest of cities and most desolate towns, entered untouched deciduous forests, resilient prairies, and the hidden away acidic worlds of peat moss covered bogs… and so many more beyond counting. I didn't restrict myself to any given time either, be it past, present, or even the most improbable future possibility. Shattering even untried fetters, I observed the universe as it turned, and crouched down to see even the tiniest flower hiding its ephemeral beauty just beneath the gigantine, overarching eons-old tree. Certainly I searched for those jewels, but I was not so distracted by my hunt to miss the bloody-coated feathers of a life just departed, floating down on an extinguished breeze amidst a shrieking cry breaking the motionless sky above. Some things I found turned out not to be gems, but amberite-encased poison. Against my better wishes, a mustier part of my mind chipped away each time I experienced the world's harshness. In order to protect you from those shards of persona borne of malignance, I learned the arts of defense and attack - methods I know will suit you well. It wasn't enough just to see, taste, and hear; there was still more I needed to do.

To feel the pain in your body, I left mine un-numbed even when I could feel myself breaking beneath the stresses and strains of crackled bone and shorn muscle. To feel the agony of your mind, and dive deeper with you toward that thing some would call a soul… I plucked unreservedly at my wounds that had long since covered over, and encouraged them to rankle and fester until the flesh-buried irritations of life, death, happiness and fear loosened their grip and revealed themselves. I wanted to feel it all with you - and have you feel it all with me. Even now, after so many years of drifting and swimming through that much unknown void, we have yet to gravitate to the center and end our eternally wandering, unmappable fall.

I wish… how I wish I could tell you everything that will happen to you, but the blatant fact is, I can't. I don't completely know or understand what will happen yet in between of here and there - the end - any more than I know what will happen to me as I stumble through my own life and try to head in the right direction within the vast, unknown, hazy world whose presence I am only just beginning to feel out. Despite what I don't know, there is one thing I can tell you for certain that I've learned through all our years together; out of everyone crisscrossing our multiverse whose frayed edges have repaired by threading the two of us unbreakably together, you are the one I can't force into anything. Even when I try it's obvious it isn't you anymore, just a shadow of what could never truly be. Your decisions and life, despite my meddlesome intentions, are still your own. But… nothing makes me happier. Even when bad things happen or events end up not going my way, nothing fills me with more elation than when you do what you think is right with the life we share.

    For a contest in :iconletters-to-myself:

    The prompt is a letter to a fictional character – my goal was to have a bit of a motherly feel, and like old letters (I have recently been involved in paleography - it's truly fascinating, and I encourage anyone to give it a try!) I tried to be a bit informal with wording and punctuation, and showcase other marks of something personal exchanged between two people. Though it isn’t a hand-written letter, I wanted it to have a bit of a homey and somewhat rough, though emotive feel, and leave it open enough that anyone might be able to relate to the feelings and situations in it here and there…♪

Letters are communication; a call-and-response between people. Part of my inspiration for the particular tone of this letter was that I wanted to express that sentiment of something more than just a lonely call out in the dark that's never to return. Whether it is to yourself or someone else, a letter is written with a purpose to be answered, and are often written in strings of correspondence that will never be seen in totality by another person. Consider this one of those lost letters, possibly uncovered in the Dead Letter Office after drifting for decades, or found by an archivist within the folds of an even older document...

Some may notice that I put this in the non-fiction section and wonder why; I consider my experiences and feelings associated with literature and character creation to be far from purely fictitious, and an intrinsic part of who I am as a person.

Just because a character is fictional, that doesn't mean the emotions and experiences - a life shared with them - can't be real:aww:

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cycopompadour Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2014  Hobbyist
BetaKatana Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You have sincerely touched my heart. Thank you a million times into eternity for writing this majestic, flourished piece, I've needed to hear this for so long.
BlackManaBurning Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist

I've been looking at this in my inbox for the last couple days, trying to come up with a way to respond... but the only thing that comes to me is a smile and the feeling of a kindred spirit nearby^^

Thank you so much for leaving your comment, and I am glad to know you enjoyed my writing♥

BetaKatana Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm touched to the point of speechlessness. I always comment in hopes of leaving a good feeling with those who read it, but never did I think someone would tell me that they appreciate it and how my words made them feel. Thank you for showing me that my words were not in vain, it's nice to know someone cares enough to respond. ^^ And you're very welcome, I meant what I said. The meaning that this held for me is a message I've been searching for, for a long while. It's nice to have finally found it.
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Submitted on
February 22, 2014


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